Sunday, May 11, 2003

ps.... t. got a job at...
are you ready for this? WalMart. what a big man! lol
and here he has this college education. and has to finally get an entry level job. well, i'd say serves him right, but he doesn't even deserve that; he wouldn't have that job if it weren't for all his poor mother's efforts
am i back to normal yet?
what a lovely start to mother's day. i slept well. My daughter wanted to make me breakfast in bed, but you know how those things usually turn out... so i made them breakfast instead. French toast. and i get the computer today. yay
just what i want. I fell in love with antonio banderas yesterday; I saw the movie Evita for the first time. It made me cry about 20 times. I have this sexy picture of his face on my desktop now, with water dripping down his face. i want to lick it off.
um.. well...
I saw Matt L a couple days ago, was walking out of Hy-Vee, he was walking in, I almost bumped into him, I said "hi" he said "hey!" then, my son actually did run into him. Darn. I wish I had. Matt was looking at me and didn't see daniel. hehe
um...that's all the silly stuff i got to say today. now i gotta get back to my serious reading.

Friday, May 09, 2003

i am free free free free free. free of the constraints of a relationship. yayayayay!
um. i feel so much better now. i love my freedom. i feel healthy again. with the uncertain future just out there waiting for me to discover. gotta go.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003

eating an apple , listening to rolling stones "paint it black". i want to see the sun blotted out from the sky.
men suck. except dad and daniel
the rest suck. i give up, but! todd gave my freedom yesterday; said the things i wanted to say to him. i keep thinking i am gonna miss us and that i don't want to put away this relationship into a locked corridor in my head, but you know, i already keep my distance; i already don't visit our past. its already done. so where does my reluctance. could be pride, but i can swallow that a lot better now. i just well, i won't cry for the wasted years, cuz he ain't worth the salt in my tears. but, i wish i had the me that i gave to him back. that is what i miss. the me i was. altho this me is so much wiser. shit. i got db and j? both im ing me
gotta go...

Monday, April 14, 2003

dream weaver. led zeppelin. pink floyd. need muzac
my house is a freakin mess. i gotta transfer the tape from my camcorder. and do a zillion other things. the only important things i got done today was helping with the gas tank, removing my nail polish, and doing dishes...
i should get to it...
i love this place; it is so easy to add an entry
i am listening to stevie ray vaughan's version of red house. brings back bad memories. not likin it. and what is with these lyrics? they sound like freakin little richard or somethin?
damn. staind reminds me of todd too. don't feel like thinkin about him.
there. simple minds. don't u forget about me. better song drove me nuts all night. now daniel is still up. need to get him to sleep tis gettin late. i gotta reference some stuff... call my name or walk on by me? rain keeps fallin, rain keeps fallin down down down...
don't u try n pretend.. i won't harm u or touch your defenses. vanity. in security
i'll be alone dancin u know it baby. sorry too many lyrics. i keep wondering; what happened to me? why can't i love no more? I built all these defense mechanisms to keep from getting hurt and from going crazy from the constant grief of breakups with todd, and all these things; they keep me from ME and that ain't fair!!
I don't think i can fall in love anymore. Not that i need to, cuz i only get hurt... but i miss the way i felt when i was in love; or was it just a version of lust? and what's wrong with lust? I still feel that now and then but i don't get that thing where someone's attitude can make or break my day; or something someone says; i have learned to not care. but my sanity is leaking out the back door. I learned to brush things off, to forget them as soon as they happened so as not to dwell on them and linger in pain, but now i forget everything. i need to take control again. maybe i should take off this necklace from todd; that might help. put it away in the cupboard with the other stuff...or maybe its the full moon coming and my unfulfilled needs are rising to the surface in all their horrible glory. i dunno. fuck it. i gotta quit thinkin for a while... and i gotta quit typing with my damn fingers everything i think; it slows my thinking down too much and turns it into something else,
i just saw my nephew's profile (one of my good nephews). Marilyn, you didn't tell me that Jeff is gonna marry molly. It just said in there that he bought her an engagement. I can't believe Theresa is acting like she is 20, yet Jeff is having a kid, its like Theresa thinks she is younger than Molly. wtheck? anywayz,
a cop just came to my door 10 minutes ago to tell me that i have till tomorrow evening to move my car, and that it can't be up on blocks like that. I just told him that wasn't fair; that i just bought it and that the fuel pump went out on it, that it is the Ford dealership's fault like mine (bastards). so i gotta do that somehow tomorrow. We got the gas tank off the car today (me and Dad). Dad did most of the work. He is a good mechanic; just real slow at it, but that's cuz the bolts were rusted onto everything.
what else?
found some interesting stuff online about freemasonry and the knights templar. good reading; the pro, not anti.
Angel got her window open and the stupid neighbor kids are bugging her. (The idiot ones next door north). the same brat that hit Ayla in the forehead last year with a stick and scarred her. She just shut it. too bad his fingers weren't in it. lol. little brats. Oh. I found an exboyfriend of mine on a site online at matt c, the blonde one that everyone hates, hehe
he was my boyfriend for 2 weeks when i was 18. i slept with him but no sex. Everyone calls him pretty boy, cuz he is cute and so in love with himself. but...not half as cute as someone I KNOW. yay . the 'if' on there stands for iowa falls, the town i used to live in. I F sucks. i don't miss it.
Darn kids are playing rough again. i am gonna freak on em if they keep up this; i already had to walk to work and back today. angel is wearing my shorts; no wonder i couldn't find them!! $#@! it.
I keep checking my mail and all i am getting is bills or empty air. oh i have to pay my phone bill tomorrow

Thursday, April 10, 2003


Monday, April 07, 2003

ummm.... yeah. too tired now. maybe tomorrow...
I am so much better tonight :) i am happy again. cuz i feel better. yeah. there's nothing like being healthy again to brighten a day. hehe.mamomow ma ma mamamamo mow mother... i would love to love u lover. sorry. singing to violent femmes. ok. and ! and! the ugly bitch didn't show up to work today, and so it was very pleasant to not have to see her face all day! Todd might get a job at one of the tire stores. haha. he doesn't know that the guys there call me Jingles, ( because i used to have nipple rings) and i can't tell him why, hehe, he will have to wait till he starts working there and find out. haha. wish i could see his face (when they react to) when he tells them he is my boyfriend, the one i bitch about to them now and then... oh that would be grand! haha. he should have treated me better for the last 7 years.shit. its only 6 years and i am getting the 7 year itch already... yeah baby. more later, see ya's.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

i feel like shit again today. dammit i got the stomach flu now. one of my customers told me he had this same flu for two weeks now. he recommended drinking heavily and taking the week off... if only i could.